APRIL 20, 2007

Depression has been kicking my ass the last few weeks, which is why there have been so few posts. I've been trying to write, but depression creates a form of mental constipation for me. The more down I am, the harder it is for me to talk about how I'm feeling, much less form coherent sentences about it, not to mention that when gloom is overwhelming my life the last thing I want to do is focus on it.

That, and I treat depression like I would any other disease in that I try not to spread it. Mind you, I realize there are no depression germs I can give to others, but constantly whining about misery can turn depression into a communicable disease in that your perpetual Darth Vader impersonation depresses the hell out of people, so I try to mope silently so as not to bring others down. Whether that's the healthiest way to deal with it, I don't know, but one thing I know for sure is that depression can be the wickedest form of writer's block there is.

But here I am, writing, and whether or not it's good or coherent is besides the point. What matters is that I'm still here, still trying, and that I haven't given up or given in. One way or another, I will win the latest round in this fight against depression keeping in mind that, while I so often feel like I am on the losing side of this lifelong battle, the fact that I am still alive and fighting is proof that I am winning and have been all along.

Of course, I'm not sure if I would be feeling this optimistic about depression if it weren't for the fact that two of my favorite soccer teams are helping to jump start my heart with mega doses of adrenaline. Earlier tonight, Ross and I went to an exhibition game between UP and Canada's Women's National Team, which did me a world of good, and tomorrow night is the first Timbers game of the season. Ah, yes, nothing lifts my spirits more than the sight of men playing with their balls. <wink> Go Timbers!

listening: depeche mode . reading: --

walk: 0 minutes . weight lost: 9 pounds

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