MARCH 05, 2007
Ha! This would have saved me a lot of writing over the last several months, if only I'd discovered it soon. Still, I've put all the pesky problems and onerous ailments that have plagued me lately on Stephen Colbert's "on notice" board, putting them in their place. To make your own board, just hop on over here.
So the good news is that my kidney stone has made major progress. The pain has gone from up in my back to down low in my nether regions, which means its traversed most of my urinary tract and is now in what I call the "home stretch," the last bit of tubing before crossing the finish line. Of course, this is also the stage that causes me to walk funny and yowl in pain while doing the crotch grabbing kidney stone polka, but that's why kidney stones are evil. Not only do the hurt like hell, but they also cause you to do demented Michael Jackson impersonations. So lets hope this bleepin' stone keeps moving and doesn't decide to spend weeks camped out poking me in my personal bits.
Unfortunately, there is some bad news, which is that my MacBook now has a kidney stone as well. Since I save my stones once I pass them, I got some of them out last night to take a gander at them, and where else do you put kidney stones in order to admire them? That's right, on the trac pad of your laptop. But take my advice, putting kidney stones anywhere near your laptop during allergy season is not a good idea. There was no advance warning, it was one of those covert, surprise attack sneezes that came out of the blue and I didn't have time to turn away. Ah-choo! Yep, I blew those kidney stones all over the place and one of them disappeared into my MacBook keyboard.
Swearing a blue streak, I picked up my MacBook, held it upside down, and started whapping its backside, trying to dislodge the stone and it was at that inopportune moment that Ross walked in the room and was perplexed to find me beating up my MacBook. "What?! I'm trying to get my kidney stone out!" I snarled at him, "I sneezed and the damn thing flew right into my keyboard!" Ross just stood there staring at me like I'd lost my mind but finally asked, "don't take this the wrong way, but exactly how much pain medication have you taken?" I sighed and rolled my eyes. "No, not that kidney stone," I said, pointing at my groin, "its an old one. I got my kidney stone farm out to look at it, sneezed, and one of the stones lodged in my keyboard."
Suffice it to say Ross was relieved to find that I wasn't so hopped up on pain meds that I was mistaking my MacBook for my own urethra, but I'm still left with the problem of my poor MacBook having a kidney stone. Ross said that if we can't eventually get the stone out ourselves, we can take my MacBook to the Apple store and have the holier than thou crew at the "genius bar" help us. "Oh, that'll be fun, the so called geniuses didn't help one damn bit when we took my MacBook in to get the fan fixed," I snarked. "True," Ross agreed, "but that was because your grabbed your MacBook and ran out of the store hissing when they told you they'd have to send it away to be fixed."
Ross said this as though yelling at the Apple employees and running out of the store had been a totally irrational act, but who wouldn't be upset when they were told that they'd be without their computer for up to a week? That's like being told you're going to have to function without your brain for a week, to which I didn't take kindly. We paid an exorbitant amount of money for this poor excuse for a Powerbook MacBook and I haven't had it very long, so it seems to me that that Apple should come to my house to fix the defective fan and feed me chocolate covered strawberries while they do it.
Ah, but I'm rambling now. Kidney stones, pain meds, and MacBook angst will do that to you. What can I say, kidney stones are nasty buggers. They leave you tired, cranky, and in a lot of pain, and then pain meds make you loopy and woozy on top of it, which doesn't leave you up for doing much. Loopily talking to walls and rambling journal entries are about all I'm good for right now. That and the crotch grabbing polka. But, with any luck, this stone will pass soon and then I can get back to the thrilling, jet-set life I normally lead.
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