FEBRUARY 16, 2007
Journal entry attempt #4,025. Suffice it to say writing has been difficult these days. And with that said, there is one pertinent issue that must be covered...
Birth control pills are evil. Well, at least they are for me. You see, when Ross and I told my ob/gyn that we were going to take a six month break from the baby making circus, she suggested I temporarily go on the pill so that I don't get pregnant again before I'm ready and that seemed like a good idea. One pill a day in exchange for worry free sex and no surprise pregnancies, except that there was one very bad unforeseen consequence. We can now add birth control pills to the long list of medications that I have adverse reactions to because, within a week of starting the pill, my face was covered in hives and I was hit with a bout of depression so severe that Ross considered taking me to the hospital and having me admitted so that I didn't hurt myself.
Yeah, the last week or so has been a lot of fun but, thankfully, we got some much needed help with the entire problem being that, last Monday, I had my first appointment with a psychiatrist who specializes in severe, treatment resistant depression. And going to see this shrink? It was like having a bright light shed on all these miserable problems I've suffered from my entire life and, for the first time, it seems there might actually be real, viable solutions that could actually help me.
After eons of trying to get help for depression, insomnia, and anxiety with no success, I gave up on anything ever being able to help. Anti-depressants, sleep meds, and anxiety medications never helped and always caused severe adverse reactions, so I came to the conclusion that something was seriously wrong with my brain and couldn't be fixed. A rather dire conclusion but, after being abused throughout my childhood and having every anti-depressant, sleep med, etc, fail, I didn't know what else to think. Severe, long term sexual abuse packs a powerful punch to the psyche and nothing had been able to help, so I assumed the psychological damage I suffered had been too severe. And, let me tell you, that's a devastating conclusion to come to about yourself. It makes you feel horribly damaged and broken, that there's no hope for you, and that the best you can do is suffer through the rest of your life.
But according to the shrink I've started seeing, there is still hope for me, plenty of hope, in fact, because it turns out that, all these years, I've been treated for the wrong problem. It turns out that the depression, insomnia, and anxiety I suffer from are actually symptoms of the greater, underlying problem, which is severe post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd) and, clinically, ptsd is treated differently than depression, insomnia, and anxiety. So it turns out that doctors have been trying to treat the symptoms, but not the cause, which is why treatment failed and caused adverse reactions. You have to treat the cause, not the symptoms.
My shrink was appalled by the fact that I've never been properly diagnosed and had to suffer all these years, but the good news is that there are effective treatments for ptsd and my shrink is confident my ptsd is treatable and will respond to the right meds, which in turn will help with depression, insomnia, and anxiety, along with other ptsd symptoms I suffer from. Although, I was dismayed when the shrink said that they'll likely use antipsychotic medications as part of my ptsd therapy. 'Antipsychotic medications?! Holy crap, just how bad off am I,' I thought, but the shrink explained that antipsychotic meds are also used to treat conditions other than psychosis, ptsd being one of them, and that I am in no way psychotic. We didn't have time to go into exactly what antipsychotics do, what to expect, etc, and I still don't like the idea of having to take them, but the shrink is a specialist and she knows what she's doing, so I'll have to trust her, especially since she thinks antipsychotics will alleviate the depression, etc. After suffering a lifetime from those things and nearly being destroyed because of it, I'd be willing to eat worms if it would help.
I haven't been started on any new medications yet, however, being the shrink wanted to review my file and the things we covered during my first appointment and take the time she needs to come up with the best possible medication plan. So, I have another appointment this Monday at which point the shrink will prescribe new medications and explain what they're supposed to do and what I can expect when taking them.
But wait, there's more. This shrink was also able to explain why I suffer from "psycho pms," why pregnancy causes me to go berserk, why birth control pills made me want to jump off a bridge, and why I've had so many adverse reactions to medications. And the answer is... Hypersensitivity to hormones. It seems my body is extremely sensitive to hormones, which is why pms, pregnancy, and certain medications (anti-depressants) cause me to go postal. All of those things tweak with your hormones which, in turn, tweaks me out. And when I told the shrink about what happened after I started taking the pill, she said it was no surprise and that, for the sake of my health and sanity, I needed to stop taking the pill and avoid it for the rest of my life.
So, things have been incredibly rough, but the light at the end of the tunnel is starting to become visible and I am both terrified and excited about what is to come. I've had so many awful, sometimes life threatening, experiences with medications that it scares me to try anything new, so I'm really nervous about that, but at the same time it's thrilling to think that alleviation of this misery may actually be possible. I've suffered from severe depression for so long that I actually have no idea whatsoever what it's like not to be depressed but, oh, sweet jesus, am I ever hoping that I finally get to find out.
Wish me luck.
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