FEBRUARY 02, 2007

I've made numerous attempts at writing about today but just can't get through an entry. And I was about to say I don't know what my problem is, why I can't write, but perhaps that is an indicator right there. We've spent the last few weeks worrying about whether the pregnancy would survive, this week we got the news that the fetus had died, and today I had a d&c to scrape the "product of conception" (fetus) out of my uterus, so I really don't know what my problem is, why I'd have difficulty writing about something like that. It's not like the whole thing's been traumatic or anything. Ahem. Yeah, I think I'm a bit numb and detached, with a layer of depression simmering underneath it.

I made it through, though, and I guess that's what counts. This time was a little easier simply in that I had an idea of what to expect - what the procedure would be like, how much it would hurt, and what the recovery will be like - and even though that doesn't remove the emotional wallop this kind of thing serves up, it still remains true that knowledge is power and knowing ahead of time what to expect did help.

The one thing that did catch me off guard and was difficult to deal with was the IV sedation. I thought I was going to have general anesthesia, the kind that puts you all the way under, so I went into the appointment thinking I wouldn't be conscious during the procedure and therefore it would be less painful. Unfortunately, my doctor's clinic doesn't yet offer full sedation so the IV meds were the kind that just make you loopy, not put you all the way under, so I was conscious for the whole thing. Even then I hoped that the IV meds would at least help with the pain more than the oral meds I had last time, back in October, but the pain was just as bad this time around. Thankfully the worst of it only lasts about 30 seconds but, not surprisingly, excruciating pain can make 30 seconds seem like an eternity. Hopefully, though, I won't have to go through this ever again.

So it's over and done with, I survived and am no longer pregnant, and now I'm at home recovering. We've decided to take 6 months off from trying to have a baby, which is doing a great deal to help me feel better. I've spent the last five months either pregnant and sick as a dog or recovering from pregnancy loss and depressed as hell and I'm really, really worn out by it all, but knowing that I get the next six months off soothes me greatly. Almost as much as the german chocolate ice cream and bag of m&ms that are currently keeping me company because nothing heals quite like the power of chocolate.

listening: depeche mode . reading: --

walk: 0 minutes . weight lost: 9 pounds

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