JANUARY 24, 2007

There's been little time to write lately what with my new hobby of spending all my time in doctors offices peeing in cups, having blood drawn, and attempting to break the world record for the most ultrasounds ever had by one person in a week's time. Ok, I'm probably not close to breaking that record, but I've had six ultrasounds in the last week, which is quite a few, especially since three of them were vaginal. In fact, I've had so many doctors poke and prod me in my privates that I've lost any inhibition I had about total strangers seeing me naked and I no longer cringe when the large dildolike ultrasound wand gets whipped out and pointed in my direction. Yes, I know, put my feet up in the stirrups and scootch down to the end of the table. I've got that routine down so well I could do it in my sleep.

So this all started last week when the bleeding picked up again. I called the obstetrics department Thursday to report the problem and, based on my symptoms, the nurse was concerned I might have an ectopic pregnancy and, since that can be fatal, she wanted me to go to the emergency room and have it checked out asap. Off to the ER we went and, after five hours and countless tests, they were able to determine that this is not an ectopic pregnancy. Of course, we thought that was great news but, unfortunately, that was not the only news they had. The ultrasounds and blood tests showed that my hcg level is low and that the baby is smaller than it should be. That sounded dire and we were hoping they could tell us something definite about it, like whether I was going to miscarry, but we got the ol' medical prognosis of uncertainty. It could be a serious problem or it might not be a problem at all, they said, only time would tell, so I was diagnosed with a "threatened miscarriage" and sent home to await my doctor appointments this week.

Ironically enough, the bleeding completely stopped after my ER visit and there hasn't been any since, which we hoped was a good sign, but after more tests and exams this week, the situation hasn't improved. I had an appointment with my obstetrician today and, when she did another ultrasound, she couldn't see the fetus or its heartbeat, which was cause for concern since the ER doctor was able to see the fetus and heart rate last week. I thought it was all over at that point but the doctor said the ultrasound machine she was using was old and that might be why she wasn't seeing anything so she sent me to imaging department to have an ultrasound with a high tech machine. So off to imaging I went where the technician was able to locate the fetus and a heartbeat but the technician's response to what she saw wasn't good. She said the baby was small, that its heart rate is low, and that the yolk sac is too big. "The what is too big?" I asked, rather confused, because the only yolks I'd heard of where in eggs and I was pretty sure I didn't have a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast nesting in my uterus, but the technician said my doctor would explain it to me and sent me back to obstetrics.

And when my doctor explained it, I understood why the ultrasound technician hadn't wanted to because it wasn't good news. The yolk sac, which is what nourishes the fetus in early pregnancy, is too big which usually means the fetus won't survive and, based on the fact that my ultrasound showed a small fetus with a low heart rate... But whether this means I'll lose the pregnancy is uncertain because, while the fetus is small, it did show a week's worth of growth since last week's ultrasound and my doctor viewed the fact that the fetus has grown as a small ray of hope. So basically I was told that there is a chance that the fetus will survive but that the odds aren't in its favor and that I should brace myself for a possible miscarriage. And all we can do is wait and see. I have an appointment next week for another ultrasound and we'll take it from there. Hopefully the fetus will still be growing but, if development or its heart has stopped... That will be the end.

Of course, with the threat of a failed pregnancy looming you'd think I'd be tearing my hair out with worry or feeling devastated, but I am oddly at peace with this. When I lost the last pregnancy, I wasn't expecting it and I'd never experienced anything like it before so it was like running into an emotional brick wall at mach five. This time, however, we've suspected for some time that this might end in miscarriage so we've had time to accept that and prepare for it if it does, which helps a great deal. Really, the biggest thing troubling me now is the uncertainty, not having any idea what's going to happen in regards to such a life altering matter. When you have a major problem or crisis in your life it comes with the overwhelming desire to fix it, but there's nothing we can do to fix this. We just have to wait and see.

And anything else I had to say will have to be cut short because an intense wave of nausea just hit and it's making me horribly ill so I need to go crawl off to bed and whimper.

listening: depeche mode . reading: --

walk: 0 minutes . weight lost: 9 pounds

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