JANUARY 17, 2007

Quiet. Haven't been posting and I wish I could say it's because we won the lottery and I've simply been too busy with our new rich and fabulous lifestyle, but that's far from the reason.

I had a doctor's appointment last Thursday and it went well. Blood tests showed that I was six to seven weeks pregnant and, along with re-referring us to a good obstetrician, my doctor also referred me to a psychiatrist who is an expert at treating depression during pregnancy. The depression aspect is what scared me most about getting pregnant again so it was a huge relief to get a referral to someone who specializes in pregnancy depression and I started feeling a lot better about the pregnancy at that point.

The day after my doctor's appointment, however, I woke up and discovered that I was bleeding, albeit very lightly, which made my heart sink right down into my toes. Since we hadn't had time to get set up with an obstetrician, I called me regular doctor about it and the nurse told me that bleeding during early pregnancy is pretty common and not a cause for panic. Most likely the bleeding would stop and everything would be fine, she said, but if the bleeding continued for more than a few days or got worse, I was supposed to call back.

And the bleeding? It stopped that same day and I was massively relieved. But then it started and stopped again the next day. Then there was no bleeding at all for several days and we really thought we were out of danger but I woke up tonight and found that I am bleeding again and more/heavier than with the previous times. When I discovered that, a feeling of defeat/surrender shot through me because my first and automatic thought was that this pregnancy isn't going to last. I was so upset that I woke Ross up and told him that things had taken a turn for the worse so he's going to call the doctor first thing in the morning to find out what we should do.

Now it's 3:00 am and I'm sitting here at my desk, nervous and restless, not knowing what the hell to do with myself. I don't want to have a miscarriage but, if it is going to happen, if it is inevitable, I just wish it would happen and be over with. It's excruciating eeking through these days, tired and nauseous, with the threat of miscarriage hanging over our heads. I just want someone to be able to tell us what's wrong, whether this is the end of the line for this pregnancy or if there's some hope left.

So suffice to say the last week's been hell. Exhaustion and nausea have really kicked in and that on top of the uncertainty about whether this pregnancy is going to last is, well, all the more exhausting. I just want to curl up and hibernate and have someone wake me up when things get better. Although someone is likely going to wake me up early this morning for a trip to the doctor, so I best try to get some sleep while seriously hoping for the best.

listening: depeche mode . reading: --

walk: 0 minutes . weight lost: 9 pounds

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