JANUARY 05, 2007
I was supposed to get my period Christmas Day, but my period never came. I didn't think much about it, however, because I hadn't been taking my insulin sensitizer and that always causes my period to go awol (ovaries have insulin receptors so insulin problems = menstrual problems). Not only that but I'd lost a pregnancy just 2 months earlier so, between messed up insulin levels and a pregnancy loss, it was no surprise that my menstrual cycle was off kilter.
But then my mood started to take a serious turn for the worse which was odd because I was back on my anti-depressant and my mood was supposed to be improving, not getting worse. That and I felt bloated, tired and my breasts ached, all of which was reminiscent to how I felt when I was pregnant. Could I possibly be... No, there was simply no way I could be pregnant. I'd just lost a pregnancy, I'd been off my meds, it took several years to get pregnant last time, and the new medication Ross is on won't increase his sperm count for a few months. All things considered, pregnancy was statistically impossible.
But if it was impossible for me to be pregnant, why did I have such a strong sense that I was? And the feeling was so strong that I just couldn't shake it. I kept telling myself to let go of the silly, impossible thoughts of pregnancy and yet they kept popping into my head, so I finally decided to settle the issue once and for all. I would take a pregnancy test, it would be negative, and then I could go on with my life sans pregnancy delusions.
When I got up today I rummaged through the bathroom cupboard to find a pregnancy test. I was certain I had some left from last time, but all I could find was a digital test and I had to pee so bad that I didn't have time to read the directions. I quickly threw the test together and hoped I got it right, but the high tech pee stick didn't work when I used it. Obviously I made a mistake somewhere along the line but, as I took the test apart to figure out what I did wrong, I was startled by what I saw. At the bottom of the test strip that you insert into holder there were two blue lines that looked exactly like the test results you get on non-digital tests. And on most of those tests one line means not pregnant and two lines means... pregnant. But, no, that just wasn't possible I told myself, but I was in for a torturous day of uncertainty being that I didn't have another pregnancy test and Ross had the car for the day.
So, after my walk tonight, I ran to the store and picked up some pregnancy tests and then patiently bided my time until Ross went to bed. I hadn't mentioned the pregnancy concerns to Ross and I wasn't about to get his hopes up only to be dashed, so I waited until the wee, quiet hours of the middle of the night. And at 3am, alone in the bathroom, I witnessed the proof that nothing is impossible. The pregnancy tests were positive. I am pregnant.
At this point, there hasn't been enough time for this to sink in so I'm in a daze, one that keeps cycling through feelings of shock, terror, and euphoria. Mostly I just keep wondering how in the world this happened considering how many odds had to be defied, but I am aware of how it technically happened and that keeps making me chuckle because I remember it well. It was the night we almost refrained from sex because we knew there was a tiny chance I might be ovulating and I wasn't sure if I was ready for the pregnancy thing again, but then we threw caution to the wind because, all things considered, we knew it was impossible for us to get pregnant again so soon as so easily.
So much for impossibilities.
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