JANUARY 01, 2007 [boise state fiesta bowl victory day!]
After spending the last few months avoiding the scale like the plague because I knew I'd gained weight, I finally mustered the courage to weigh myself today. I knew it would be bad because of how I let myself go after losing the pregnancy back in October. I stopped taking my meds, stopped exercising as much, haven't been eating well, and for the last few weeks I've existed solely on chocolate and that adds up to one inevitable thing: weight gain. And boy could I feel the gain. My clothes felt tight and I could feel the extra weight jiggling around on my body, which is part of why I've felt so cranky lately.
In light of that, I made losing weight one of my new year's resolutions but it's difficult to track weight loss if you don't know what weight you started at, so I forced myself to get on the scale today. I knew that would cause a downward spiral in my mood, however, which isn't the best way to the year, so I made myself a deal. If I hadn't gained more than ten pounds, I wouldn't freak out or get depressed about it, regardless of how loud my self-esteem screamed in terror at the number on the scale. Of course, that still left the problem of what if I'd gained more than ten pounds, but I figured I'd jump off that bridge if and when I came to it.
So I did it, I got on the scale, which totally floored me because the grand total of my weight gain is minus eight. As in I haven't gained a single ounce and I have instead lost 8 pounds since the last time I weighed myself. I just stood there staring at the scale wondering how it was possible for me to be so sure that I had gained at least 10, if not 20 pounds when, in fact, I'd lost weight. I mean, I've been walking around for weeks hating myself because I could feel the extra weight but it turns out there's no extra weight at all. I've been loathing myself for imaginary weight gain! And if I'd just been willing to get on the scale during the last few months I could have prevented my real suffering over an imaginary occurrence, but I guess this goes to show that ignorance isn't always bliss.
So, Boise State won the Fiesta Bowl today and I've lost eight pounds, which is a damn good start to the new year. Granted, there's still those other pesky resolutions I made, like quitting smoking and finishing the dental work I need to have done, but there will be time enough for those challenges later. For now, I'm just going to sit back and enjoy this strange new feeling of being less cranky. Or maybe you could even call it happiness.
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