November 26, 2006
Struggling with the family melodrama entry I made yesterday. I may take it down. I keep having vivid daydream nightmares that my parents will stumble across that entry and then show up at my door and strangle me for daring to broadcast our heinous family secrets online for all the world to see. So now I'm debating whether to take that entry down, because I don't want my parents to show up with paring knives and cackle maniacally while slowly splicing me to death, one cut for each word I dared speak.
That's mom and dad's biggest fear about the abuse, that people will find out about it and it will ruin my parents lives and reputation, as well they fear it ruining the abuser's life, which is why we used to have knock down drag out fights over whether I had a right to talk publicly about the abuse. I've always felt that I have a right to talk about it. It's my life and I shouldn't have to live in shame, secrecy, and fear because of what someone else did to me, and you'd be hard put to find a psychiatrist who disagrees. Survivors shouldn't be silenced, nor should they be ashamed. But when you grow up in an environment of that same secrecy, shame, and fear, it's hard to get past it, even as an adult. Your parents will always be your parents and, in this case, my parents will always be maniacal and scary when it comes to the truth, so I've spent the last day fighting panic attacks because of what I said out loud.
Granted, this isn't the first time I've mentioned the abuse or my parents in this journal. There are numerous other entries which mention the ugly truth, and I've let most of those entries stand, but this is the struggle I always face each time I post the family secrets. There is a lot of fear and stress involved and I write the entries very carefully, meticulous and tedious, censoring myself so much more than I'd like, and then comes the stress, fear, and worry that follows once the post is made. It's so many years later and I still feel like I have to walk on eggshells but, as I often sarcastically joke to Ross, abuse is the gift that keeps on giving.
Of course, that may lead some to wonder why I do this... Why write words that haunt me, why make posts that cause anxiety, why do something that I seem to find so unenjoyable, and there is a simply answer to that. Because this is my life and I have the right to talk about and share it without fear, but you do not reach the point of fearlessness without first facing what terrifies you. I need to stop being scared and so I do this to help overcome the fears, to find my voice, to lose the shame. I let myself be silenced for many years and discovered that it's true what they say about becoming a self or otherwise imposed mute, it can be deadly, so I follow the advice on the bumper sticker on the car down the street: Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.
My voice is shaking now - or at least my fingers as I type - but I will let the honesty remain because, even though I may not always be, the truth is strong enough to stand on its own.
HOME | ARCHIVES
|