November 25, 2006

Finally got to see my sister, Sally, and her family today, although it was only for an hour, but it was still better than nothing. That and it allowed Sally and I to do some valuable therapeutic venting about our parents, which we both desperately needed. Doctors, psychotherapy, medications - they're all good at helping me deal with my parents and the abuse that went on in our family, but none of it compares to the insight, support, and commiseration of my sister.

During the course of conversation tonight, amidst all the venting and ranting, I finally got an answer to a question that's plagued me for years. When you are sexually abused as a child and your parents knew about it and did nothing to stop it, the biggest question you're left with is why? Why didn't they stop it? Why didn't they do anything? Why didn't they help? And while nothing can adequately explain or ever excuse letting a child be abused, you can't help but ask the questions all the same, even though the answers might hurt more than the questions themselves.

So I did ask my parents. I asked about it years ago when I was in therapy and my mother angrily told me that they had done something about it. "The second time you told us "Bob" was abusing you, we called Dr. Dobson and asked for help," my mother spat. "It's not our fault he gave us bad advice!" But what did Dobson tell them, that was the question, especially since my parents still did nothing to stop the abuse after talking to him. But when I asked what Dr. Dobson had said, I got a bizarre answer, the gist of which was that it was normal for guys to be curious, that Bob would eventually get over it, and that confronting him about it would only cause more problems.

I was stunned. A christian psychologist told them incest was normal and not to confront the abuser? What the hell?! But when I pressed them further on the issue, I got nowhere. I flat out asked them if Dr. Dobson had told them to do nothing, but dad just babbled about how that was years ago and people didn't know as much about those things back then. I had wanted to yell that this was more than just a mistake, but mom brought the conversation to an end by telling me the abuse wouldn't matter, that it would be like it never happened, if I'd just give it all to god. "If you were a better christian, Jesus would take it all away," she smugly said, "so you can't blame us for it."

So I've spent the years since wondering about the Dobson thing and I'm embarrassed to admit that it never occurred to me that my parents lied about it, but that's what I found out tonight. Mom and dad lied through their teeth. The Dobson episode came up in conversation and I told my sister I was floored that Dr. Dobson had basically told mom and dad not to do anything about the abuse, at which point Sally looked confused. "What do you mean he told them not to do anything? That's not what he said. He told them the problem was too severe to deal with in one long distance phone call so he told them to find a local therapist, but mom and dad never did because they were afraid people would find out about the abuse."

Suffice it to say that's not a fun concept to try and wrap your brain around, that your parents knew you were being abused, that a psychologist told them the problem was severe and to get help asap, but they ignored the advice, and then lied to you about it. But at least now I know the truth, which is a tiny bit of closure. Its always troubled me that a christian psychologist who has a large, cult-like following was possibly giving out life devastating advice about abuse, so it's a relief to find out that's not the case. Granted, Dobson is still a religious fanatic who advocates the corporal punishment of children, but at least he's not telling people incest is natural. That was just the f'ed up lie my parents came up with to cover their own asses.

Of course, this edition of the ten trillion part series "What The Bleeping Hell Is Wrong With Our Parents And Will Someone Please Lobotomize Them For Us?" was not without comic relief, because it was right after the Dobson discussion that my sister told Ross and I that my parents still can't figure out why I cut off contact with them and we all burst out laughing at that. Let's see, mom's psychotic and emotionally abusive, dad was into the whole corporal punishment thing, they let a relative sexually abuse me for years, and they turned religion into a mental illness. Yeah, it would be tough to figure out why I ended my relationship with them, but mom thinks she's figured out why.

As Sally was leaving to come see me today, my mother sidled up to her and whispered, "I think I know why Amy's mad at me... She's mad at me because I love Scott." That comment is so bizarre that my jaw literally dropped when I heard it. After everything that's gone on in our family, after all the abuse and lies, mom concludes that I'm mad at her because she loves my older brother? Sally, Ross and I just sat there laughing in dementedly amused disbelief. "Just how warped is mom's brain?" I finally asked, to which Sally yelped, "holy shit, I don't think we want to know the answer to that!"

So it was an interesting night, indeed. I finally got an answer to the age old Dobson question, my parents were outed on yet another lie, I found out my mother thinks I ended my relationship with her because she loves my brother, and I finally got to see Sally. I'm not sure if that's exactly what you'd call a good night, but seeing my sister and her family was great, especially since my niece and nephew gave me fudge for my birthday. My parents may be nuts, but suffice it to say the reality of this family is a lot easier to take with a huge slab of chocolate in your hands.

listening: depeche mode . reading: --

walk: 0 minutes . weight lost: 0 pounds

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