October 25, 2006
I had to take a break from my nightly walks when I lost the pregnancy (makes it sound like I misplaced it, but I don't like the other terminology) being the doctor had to do a procedure where they scrape out the inside of the uterus to make sure all the pregnancy material is gone and it was invasive enough that the doctor said I needed to take a break from exercise while my body healed. Of course, I didn't mind taking time off, what with how awful I felt. Turns out that having your uterus poke, prodded, and scraped hurts like hell and exercise isn't exactly tops on your list when you're sore, bleeding, and massively depressed.
Unfortunately, getting back to my walks after the time off hasn't been easy. I knew I needed to start walking again, if only for the anti-depressant effects of exercise, but kept finding myself lacking the desire and motivation and coming up with every excuse possible not to walk. I'm still sore, I'm still bleeding, I'm too depressed, I'm too tired, it's cold, it's raining, I need new shoes... And the excuses went on and on. But then it happened, while comfortably doing the back stroke through a sea of my own self-pity, I found the one thing, the one and only thing, that could not only not only inspire me to exercise again, but actually send me joyfully stampeding out to do it. And that little something was Depeche Mode.
Turns out that Depeche Mode released a live album called Touring the Angel on September 26th. As a hardcore Depeche Mode fan, I normally would have known that a new album was coming out and would have had it the instant is was available, but due to the hell I was going through being pregnant and then losing the pregnancy, I wasn't paying attention to dM like I normally do. But, thankfully, I paid the iTunes music store a visit and had the experience of catapulting from despair to euphoria in a split second when I saw the new dM live album had been released. Suffice it to say I could not download it fast enough. I love dM's music in and of itself, but I have an intense love for their live recordings, and I was so excited about having a new live album to listen to that I raced out so quickly to talk my walk that I nearly fell over myself.
And tonight, the pain, depression, and despair I've been feeling as of late just melted away as I trekked through the cool night air listening to Dave belt out A Pain That I'm Used To and the mire I've been caught up in was replaced by a catharsis so extreme it was nearly a religious experience. Instead of walking, I nearly ran the entire time, a big grin on my face and euphoria coursing through me, and at times the sense of relief and deliverance was so strong that I was even moved to tears. And, oh god, did it feel good.
Of course, it might sound odd or silly that something as seemingly trivial as a new Depeche Mode album could inspire such relief and catharsis, but life is a chaotic and messy thing that doesn't always make sense and sometimes it is the simplest things that help us make it through. There are no rules which state that profound insight has to come from Socrates, that religion is the only means of salvation, or that medicine is the only thing that heals. Sometimes it really is the the small and so called trivial things that make all the difference in the world. The taste of chocolate, a simple embrace, a good book, your favorite music... They can remind you of that sense of truly being Alive and in so doing, throw you a lifeline and inspire you to keep fighting.
And that's what tonight was. A lifeline. Like they've done so many countless times before, Depeche Mode waded through my misery, consoled my heart, tapped into my passion, and reminded me of the truth and visceral realness of love and, in so doing, thew me a lifeline when I was about to go under. And thank Mode for that because, while the pain and problems have not magically disappeared, I feel like my heart and soul have been refueled and, for the first time since things went so wrong, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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