October 18, 2006
As of today, the pregnancy is over. It has ended. I am no longer pregnant.
I don't know what to say about it right now or how much of it I'll ever want to share. Some things are so searing and excruciatingly painful that you don't want to acknowledge them, even to yourself. And that's where I am right now. This reality is too painful and I'm doing my best not to think about it, although I'm not succeeding very well at that. I slept for the vast majority of today and cried for the rest of it and I suspect it will be that way for awhile.
Thankfully, I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday to talk with her about my emotional state and to get a referral to a good psychiatrist. I was already planning to start seeing a therapist again because the pregnancy dug up a ton of issues regarding my parents and abusive childhood, and now I have the loss of the pregnancy to deal with as well, and I'm definitely going to need counseling to get me through this.
So. That's the state of things right now. I'm going to try my hardest not to fall apart because of all this, so I'm going to try to keep life moving forward and keep myself busy. Ross and I have started looking into buying a house/condo, so we'll probably throw ourselves into that to keep ourselves occupied and hopefully, somehow, we'll make it through this awful experience.
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