September 24, 2006
I am tired and nauseous, my breasts hurt, and I'm so moody that I feel like a manic depressive on speed. One moment I'll feel so down and depressed that I want to go lay on the freeway and the next moment I'll be feeling so upbeat that I'm happily whistling my heart out and dancing around the apartment. It wouldn't be so bad if the moods lasted more than five minutes, but I keep swinging back and forth between happiness and depression so quickly that I'm developing emotional whiplash.
Truth be told, I am not dealing well with this whole pregnancy thing. My mood and overall feelings about it are not what they should be. When you try to get pregnant and actually achieve it, you should be happy about it or, at the very least, know that it's what you want, but I'm constantly struggling with doubts and fears, to the extent that I am not sure I want to be pregnant and have a child. I know that's normal to some extent, I've had other women tell me that they tried really hard to get pregnant and then freaked out and thought, 'oh my god, what the hell have I done!?!' when they finally did get pregnant, so I'm not alone in that, but it's such an unnerving feeling to have a life growing inside you and have such mixed emotions about it.
Of course, I am keeping a number of things in mind in regards to my mixed emotions, like the fact that it's pretty much impossible to feel excited or happy about anything when you're constantly nauseous and battling the urge to puke your guts out. Nausea is one of those things I really cannot tolerate. Not that anyone enjoys nausea, but I'd rather have a kidney stone than be nauseous, which is really saying something. So right now, I'm trying to keep in mind that I'm viewing the world and this pregnancy through tired, achey, puke coloured glasses, and I'll probably feel a lot better about this pregnancy once it stops making me retch and the diabolical mood swings calm down. But for now... Oi.
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