September 15, 2006
Had cramps all week and kept expecting my period, but it never came. That's odd for me, days of cramps with nothing to show for it didn't make sense and there was a little voice in the back of my mind that kept telling me I was pregnant, so I told that voice to shut up and stop being so cruel.
We tried for years to get pregnant, did everything we could - read books, tracked cycles, ovulation tests, timed sex, etc - and nothing worked. Trying so hard and not succeeding was heartbreaking, but not surprising, since Ross was diagnosed with a medical condition that would make it difficult to get pregnant and we knew from the start that we'd likely need fertility help. At the time, however, we couldn't afford fertility treatment, so we tried on our own to get pregnant while we saved money for fertility costs, leading us to where we are now. Our finances greatly improved this last year so we decided to start down the fertility path and, last week, our doctor referred Ross to a urologist who specializes in male fertility and Ross' first appointment is in November.
In light of that, my late period and the little voice in my head that kept telling my I was pregnant felt like torture. 'You're pregnant,' it kept whispering, even though I knew it was impossible. When we talked to our doctor last week, she said that the latest tests showed that Ross medical condition had gotten worse, to the point that the fertility clinic didn't think the easier fertility procedures would work for us, and we'd likely have to do in vitro fertilization, which is very invasive and costly. And if fertility specialists were going to have trouble getting us pregnant, what were the odds we suddenly gotten pregnant on our own, without even trying?
But that little voice in my head wouldn't shut up, so I bought some pregnancy tests today, just to prove to that hopelessly optimistic part of my brain that it was wrong. I'll do the pregnancy test, it will be negative, that will be the end of it, I thought. But a funny thing happened when I took the pregnancy test. The result was positive. I stood there staring at the test in disbelief. It must be wrong, I thought, so I took another pregnancy test, and it was positive. And so was the third test. Three positive pregnancy tests. I couldn't believe it.
I showed Ross the tests when he got home and, after everything we've been through trying to get pregnant, you'd think we'd both be euphoric by the test results, but our responses were the same - total disbelief. We spent most of tonight periodically looking at the tests and then looking at each other in shock. Are the tests right? Am I pregnant? Do we even dare hope? We don't want to get our hopes up, only to have them dashed, so we're remaining pragmatic. The tests might, or might not, be right, so we're going to remain calm and call our doctor Monday to schedule a blood test.
So, it's going to be a long weekend, waiting and wondering and trying not to let our emotions run wild. Next week we'll know for sure and, until then, I'll probably entertain myself by taking several hundred more pregnancy tests.
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