J U L Y 1 9 , 2 0 0 6
Encountered a bit of trouble in getting back to keeping my journal current. I said in May that I was going to start posting again and then only managed two entries thereafter. But the pause was not without reason. When I made that entry, I'd just been referred to a sleep disorder clinic and was hopeful that I might finally get help for my insomnia and be able to live a normal life again.
My doctor and I went through an awful ordeal in April trying to get my depression under control, but all the meds she tried me on caused adverse reactions. My doctor couldn't figure out why I responded so poorly to the meds, which lead her to wonder if I was experiencing something other than just depression. I've suffered from depression and insomnia for years, but doctors have always focused on the depression, thinking it was causing the insomnia, so my doctor sent me to the sleep clinic to see if it was the other way around. Insomnia and sleep dep can cause depression and similar symptoms, so we were hoping to find a solution to my insomnia and kept our fingers crossed that it would also help with my depression.
I was so excited about the prospect of sleep that I counted the days to my venture at the sleep clinic, but had my hopes dashed when I went for the appointment. The doctor was a pompous twit with bad breath who rambled for an hour about sleep disorders, then told me my insomnia was due to childhood abuse/post traumatic stress and that the sleep clinic doesn't treat that since it's a mental health issue. So, I was told to see a shrink, given a list of stupid suggestions on how to get a good night's sleep, and sent on my way with a sleep med that I'd already tried with adverse results. I told the doctor that, but he acted like I didn't know what I was talking about and gave me the "I can't help you unless you're willing to try" speech, so I agreed to try the med again, if only so that the doctor couldn't say I wasn't willing to try.
Sure enough, the sleep med (restoril) caused a paradoxical reaction, which means it did the opposite of what it was supposed to. Rather than help me sleep, it instead made me feel like I was hopped up on speed and I spent the better part of a week bouncing off the walls. I felt like my eyes had been glued open, my brain would not stop racing, I was so restless I coldn't sit still and went 4 days without sleeping at all. I was a total basketcase, not to mention pissed as hell at the sleep doctor, so I threw out the medication and (for the time being) gave up on getting help from so called medical experts.
Suffice it to say this ordeal was difficult to deal with. It took me a few weeks to recover from the havoc the sleep med wreaked on my body and having medical treatment fail yet again didn't exactly do much for my depression. I swam in a pit of despair for awhile, but then forced myself to start climbing out of it. That, and I also decided to medicate myself. It's not legal, but I knew it would help, so I procured some Herb and it has done wonders for my insomnia. Technically Herb is supposed to cause problems with sleep, but it does the opposite for me. Odd how that works - medications that are supposed to help insomnia keep me awake, and substances that are supposed to disrupt sleep make me snooze like a baby. I don't know why that is, I'm just thankful there's at least one thing that helps me sleep.
So I'm feeling better for the first time in many months and starting to get back to this thing called life. Its a slow process, but I am starting to resemble a functional human being again, which is great progress. Back in January and February the depression was so bad that there were days I couldn't even drag myself out of bed, so its a relief to have finally reached a point where I actually want to rejoin the human race again. And maybe even write about it.
And super big kudos and endless thanks to Ross for all the help, love, and support he's unfailingly given me through this. It's a major understatement to say that it's not easy to be married to someone who suffers from severe insomnia and depression, but Ross has never given up on me and always been there to help, and he truly is my hero. Love is catharsis.
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