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Very few entries the last four months what with the fact that, not long after I quit smoking, I sank into one of the worst bouts of depression that I've ever experienced. I would try to describe it, but I don't really know the words for it, partly because of how bad it was and also because it's already becoming just a blur in my memory. I know there were several months that were complete hell, but the details are now just a haze, which is probably for the best.
Even now it's still rough, but I'm slowly starting to find my way out of it, which is why I'm writing. Concentrating and being coherent is still a challenge and, to some extent, I don't like putting words to what I'm feeling or going through, but I'm forcing myself to do it because I need to get back to some semblance of normalcy and I need to rediscover the things I used to love. I lost that for awhile, totally lost interest in everything, and I still feel that way to some degree, but the ennui needs to end and I've realized it wont change unless I force it to. So I'm writing because, regardless of whether it's coherent, I need to get back to this thing called life.
Despite how awful this has been, something good has come from it. It's a long story, but its come to light that my depression (past and present) might be caused by a sleep disorder, not a chemical imbalance. Like depression, I've had insomnia most of my life but, since I grew up in an abusive family, doctors assumed the problem was depression and that insomnnia was a side effect of it and no other causes were ever considered. But sleep disorders can cause depression and since I've had insomnia most of my life and depression meds don't work on my depression, my doctor is wondering if a sleep disorder is the problem. Sleep disorders aren't my dr's specialty, though, so I've been referred to a sleep disorder clinic and have an appointment at the end of May.
As for quitting smoking, I didn't succeed, not fully, anyway. I didn't smoke for 3 months but gained so much weight that I was desperate to stop the weight gain, so I decided to see if smoking would help. I didn't resume smoking full time, though, but instead implemented what I call controled smoking. I only allow myself to smoke when I go out for coffee and that's it. And its worked. I haven't put on anymore weight and I've even lost 5 pounds. At first I felt like a total failure that I was smoking again, but I've stopped hating myself for it since that's not productive. I rushed into quitting before I was ready and it didn't go as I'd hoped, but eventually, when I get the depression and my life back under control, I'll tackle smoking again. And, if nothing else, at least our home is smoke free, and that is an accomplishment.
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