November 03, 2005

Dad's birthday. The thought crossed my mind to email him, just a short note saying happy birthday and let him know he's in my thoughts, but then I thought better of it. I have no intention of resuming contact with my parents, so why email dad when it'll only get his hopes up and he'll start calling and emailing again? So I didn't email him, I just spent the day sad and confused, for whatever that's worth.

I miss dad. His absence is so painful. Sometimes I wonder if it would be possible to have a relationship with dad, and just leave mom in exile, since she's the heart of the problems. Or I wonder if I should at least write dad and explain why I've distanced myself from them, because I never fully explained it to him. But I don't want to have to say those things because I know how much it will hurt him and how angry he'd likely be when I got to the part about mom still being abusive and having psychological problems.

And sometimes I wonder if I'm just a coward. I've never told my parents how I feel about the abuse, never called them on it. I've never done that because I know how much it will hurt dad but, even more so, I've never done it because I'm scared. That's one of the things abuse does, instills you with so much fear. I grew up terrified and those feelings haven't left, but I wonder if it would do the entire situation a world of good if I finally did speak my mind, stood up for myself.

Maybe it can't get better until it totally falls apart. When there's an old, condemned house standing on a viable piece of land, you don't rebuild on its weak, crumbling foundation. You tear the house down and start anew. Maybe relationships are like that, too. Maybe you have to bring in the giant wrecking ball of truth and smash everything to smithereens and start over with a new blueprint. Maybe. Maybe not. What is certain is that when it comes to such issues, everything is much easier analogized than done.

But even if hefty doses of honesty would help, that will have to wait for another day because I'm not about to send dad birthday greetings along the lines of "Happy birthday, dad. Thanks for nearly destroying my life. Love, Amy P.S. Mom's a fucking lunatic." I have issues with dad, but I still love him, enough so that I won't dip into Hallmark's dysfunctional family greeting card vault on his birthday. I'll save that for another special occasion, like groundhogs day.

So happy birthday, dad. Hopefully you know that I still love you, and maybe one day we'll all look back on this and laugh. Ok, maybe not, but perhaps one day we'll at least find some sort of solution.

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