August 16, 2005 | 8:33pm

Had my first bad trip with self-tanner. I now look like a mutant zebra. Or at least my legs do. I tried a brand I'd never used before, so I only did my legs, just in case something went wrong, and thank god for that foresight. Pants can cover the mess on my legs, but you can't wear pants on your face. Well, actually you can, but it's not comfortable and it tends to make people think that you're nuts. Or so I've heard.

I can't figure out what went wrong. I've been using tanner a long time, I have the process down, and I've never had a problem before, which made me think it was the product, but I looked it up online and most people give the stuff great reviews. So I have no clue what caused this fiasco and I'm not about to use the stuff again to try and figure it out.

In doing some reading, however, I did learn that sweat can cause some tanning products to splotch. I don't mean sweat while applying the tanner or waiting for it to dry, but that sweat can splotch the tan once its already set. I'd never encountered that before, but it's definitely the case with this one. The tan looked bad to begin with and, after a few sweaty workouts, it looks truly awful. Now I'm not only streaked, I also look like I'm molting.

But perhaps this will teach me to leave well enough alone. I already have self-tanners that work great, but the prospect of something even better caused me to stray. But greed and vanity have left me striped and spotted and I've learned my lesson. Coppertone Endless Summer Gradual Tan and Banana Boat Sunless Tanning Foam leave me nicely tanned which, suffice it to say, is a hell of a lot better than the taupe zebra effect. Now I just have to wait for my stripes to fade. Sigh.

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