August 09, 2005 | 8:24pm

I am miserable, oh so miserable, I feel itchy and scabby and so not gay!

The heat has caused the worst bout of dyshidrotic eczema I've ever had. I rarely get this crap in other seasons, but come summer... Oy. My hands turn into a festering mass of itchy blisters and scabs and painfully inflamed, cracked skin. I look and feel like I have the plague. Dogs cower and howl in fear at the sight of me, children run screaming in the streets, the baristas at my cafe hide under the counter and throw my coffee at me.

Can't tell you how glad I am that doctors haven't figured out what causes or cures this crap. "Figure out what your triggers are and avoid those things," they advise, "and don't itch the impossibly itchy blisters." Well, that's a great treatment plan. Avoid the entire season of summer and don't itch the fiercely itchy blisters. Perhaps they'd also like to throw in leap tall buildings in a single bound, since it's more likely I'd be able to do that.

Despite my whinning and tantrum throwing (its always a proud moment for Ross when I throw myself on the ground in public and scream "I hate my hands and I want to die!"), I have found some things that help. They don't make eczema go away, but do help keep you from scratching every shred of skin off your hands and earning the nickname skeletor. So, for those cursed with the ol' hand bubbles, I'm including the few tips and tricks I've learned for making dyshidrotic eczema more bearable.

Lanacane cream: reduces itching, pain and infection. contains no steroids

Pain Reliever: acetaminophen, ibuprofen. aspirin is not advised since some experts think there might be a link between dyshidrosis and aspirin

Diphenhydramine: oral antihistamine; stops itching but causes drowsiness (active ingredient in otc sleep meds) so best only used at night. common brand is benadryl, but generics cost less. read precautions before taking it

Cold Therapy: ice in a plastic bag or a cold compress is good for reducing itch and pain, and very soothing for d.eczema caused/aggravated by heat. periodically running cold water over affected areas also helps

That's it. There aren't many options for relief, but these few things do help. Some people use steroid creams for the symptoms but, if you do that, make sure to note that steroid creams should not be used long since they weaken and thin the skin, not to mention ruin your pro baseball career. I prefer cold compresses since they offer great relief with no side effects.

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