May 12, 2005   Warm, sunny day! I'm assuming it's the reason why I've been spastically dance around the house like an idiot kind of happy today. And did it ever feel good not to be crawling through the dregs of depression for a change

Timbers game tonight. I was hoping Ross might change his mind and go with me, but no. He sauntered off to geekville with nary a trace of guilt or remorse, so now I'm at my cafe, chain drinking and smoking, and neurotically debating whether to go to the game by myself. It's a showdown at the neurosis corral. Obsessive love of soccer vs social anxiety. Will love of footy prevail over the social retardedness that makes me hide under the couch at the mere thought of other people or will I chicken out and slink home to... Hide under the couch?

Going home is the easy option, but buzzing through my brain is a pesky voice that keeps reminding me that I didn't used to be this way, so paralyzingly shy and phobic. Yes, I've always been shy, but not to the point that it stopped me from living life. I don't know what happened to change it, when my shyness started taking steroids, but anxiety has spiraled out of control and reached absurd measures. I'm sick of the toll it takes, but it won't change unless I do something about it, like take control. Existential neuroticism. That's the key.

But, like I was saying, there's a Timbers game tonight, one that's starting right about now. To go or not to go, that is the question... I wonder if they'd let me take a couch into the stadium so that I can hide under it during the game...

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