May 08, 2005   Mother's Day. Haven't seen or talked to my mom in 3 years.

It was Mother's Day 2002 when I severed ties with my parents. I'd started to take wellbutrin two months before and, as my depression lifted, it was like an epiphany of sorts. I began to realize and feel the full extent of my anger and rage towards my parents, especially my mom. It was like the depression had been emotional novacaine and, as it started to wear off, I had to face the feelings and reality it had surpressed and stifled, things I'd always known and felt, but not to that extent or with such clarity.

The abuse had always been a fact of life for me, but it was too painful to deal with full on or in context, so I found ways to cope with and, in some ways, excuse it. It could've been worse and it wasn't because they didn't love me were views I'd clung to but, with the depression gone, suddenly all I could think or feel was holy fucking hell, how could anyone allow such things to happen to their child. With that question constantly sifting through my mind, I could no longer quell or displace my anger and rage.

This took place in the weeks preceding Mother's Day '02 and, as mom's day approached, I couldn't bring myself to bite the bullet and play along with the charade anymore. 'Just buy a card, spend an hour with her, that's all you have to do,' I kept telling myself, not wanting to deal with the fallout of ignoring Mother's Day. But I couldn't do it, I absolutely could not do it, so I didn't. No card, no visit, nada. And that was it for mom and I. It all ended with a loud burst of silence, one that rings to this day.

So Mother's day #3 sans mom and I'm at peace. I have no regrets about my decision and, while I wish things could be different, I've accepted the situation for what it is. Of course, having the love and support of my sister helps (she's going through her own falling out with mom and dad), so it's to her that I send best wishes on mother's day. She loved and protected me as a kid, still does to this day, and she's a fantastic mom to her own kids. So to my sis, I say thanks for the love and for being a wonderful example of what a mom should be.

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